Rules to Live by if you're a Dog

NEWSPAPERS

If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

BARKING

Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark.

HOLES

Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS

The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

SNIFFING

Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE

Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. Also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING

Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS

Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

PLAYING

If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS

When chasing cats, make sure you never - quite - catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING

Make a contribution to the fashion industry . . . Eat a shoe.